A Fairy Tale

Narrator: Once upon a time, long, long ago, there lived
in a valley far, far away in the mountains, the most
contented kingdom the world had ever known. It was
called "Happy Valley", and it was ruled over by a wise
old king called Otto. And all his subjects flourished
and were happy, and there were no discontents or
grumblers, because wise king Otto had had them all put
to death along with the trade union leaders many years
before. And all the good happy folk of Happy Valley
sang and danced all day long. And anyone who was for
any reason miserable or unhappy or who had any
difficult personal problems was prosecuted under the
"Happiness Act".
(Sounds of laughter and giggling. A gavel strikes.
Giggling continues throughout)
Prosecutor: Gaspar Sletts, I put it to you that on
February the Fifth of this year, you were very
depressed with malice aforethought, and that you moaned
quietly contrary to the Cheerful Noises Act.
Gaspar Sletts: ...I did.
Defense: May I just explain, m'lud, that the reason for
my client's behavior was that his wife had died that
morning?
(This elicits big laughs. Judge bangs gavel again)
Judge: (laughing) I sentence you to be hanged by the
neck until you cheer up.
(more laughter)
Narrator: And whilst the good folk of Happy Valley
tenaciously frolicked away, their wise old king, who
was a merry old thing, played strange songs on his
Hammond Organ up in the beautiful castle where he lived
with the gracious Queen Syllabub, and their lovely
daughter Mitzi Gaynor, who had fabulous tits and an
enchanting smile, and wooden teeth which she had bought
at a chemist's in Augsburgh, despite the fire risk. She
treasured these teeth, which were made of the finest
pine and she varnished them after every meal. And next
to her teeth, her dearest love was her pet dog, Herman.
She would take Herman for long walks and pet and fuss
over him all day, and steal him tasty tidbits which he
never ate, because sadly, he was dead. And no one had
had the heart to tell her, because she was so sweet and
innocent and knew nothing of gastroenteritis or plastic
hip joints or even personal hygiene. One day, while she
was pulling Herman 'round the lawn, she suddenly fell
in love with the most beautiful young man she had ever
seen, naturally assuming him to be a prince. Well,
luckily he was a prince. So she looked him up in the
Observer's Book of Princes, learned his name and went
and introduced the subject of marriage. And, in what
seemed like the twinkling of an eye, but was in fact a
fortnight, they were on their way to her father's court
to ask his permission to wed.
King Otto:(accompanied by Hammond organ) Ya Di
Bucketty, rum ding ftooo, Ni! Ni! Ni! Yowoooo...
(applause)
King Otto: Thank you, thank you, thank you...
Princess Mitzi: Daddy?
King Otto: Yes, daughter?
Princess Mitzi: This is Charming, who wants to marry
King Otto: Is he a prince?
Princess Mitzi: Yes!
King Otto: Is he in the book?
Princess Mitzi: Yes!
King Otto: Oh, very well. Before I can give my
permission, young man, I must set you a task, which, if
you succeed, will prove you worthy of my daughter's
hand.
Prince Charming: Yes, sir, I accept.
King Otto: Good. At nine o'clock tomorrow morning,
armed only with your sword, you must go to the highest
tower in the castle, and jump out of the window.
Narrator: And so, early the next morning, the young
Prince Charming, dressed in a beautiful white robe, and
gripping his magic sword, plummeted to a painful death.
(terrified scream, followed by a squish, then laughter)
Princess Mitzi: Can we get married now, Daddy?
King Otto: No, my dear, he wasn't worthy of you.
Princess Mitzi: Oh, will he have to go into the ground
like all the others?
King Otto: Hmm, that's a good idea for a song, er...
(Hammond organ) Yum-yum, yum-yum-dee bucketty, rum ding
ftooo, Yi! Ni! Ni! Yowoooo...
(the king is joined by a chorus of singers)
Chorus of Singers: (accompanied by Hammond organ) Ya Di
bucketty, rum fing f-tooo, Ni! Ni! Ni! Yow-oooo...
Narrator: One day, while Princess Mitzi was out
hopefully kissing frogs, she spotted a flash of gold
beneath a weeping willow tree, and there, sure enough,
was a prince. He was rather thin and spotty, with a
long nose and bandy legs, and nasty unpolished plywood
teeth, and bad breath, and a rare foot disease, "But,"
thought Mitzi, "a prince is a prince," and she fell in
love with him without another thought and rushed into
his arms. And after a time, or a few times anyway, he
too fell in love with her, and very soon they were on
their way to ask King Otto's permission to wed.
King Otto:(accompanied by Hammond organ) Ya Di
Bucketty, rum ting f-tooo...
Princess Mitzi: Hello, Daddy.
King Otto: Ni! Ni! Ni!
Princess Mitzi: Hello, Daddy!
King Otto: Yow...oh, hello Mitzi!
Princess Mitzi: This is Prince Walter, who wants to
marry me.
King Otto: Is he in the book?
Princess Mitzi: And in the forward...
King Otto:(in a low, grumbling voice) Oh... Hello,
Walter.
Prince Walter: PRINCE Walter!
King Otto: You little...
Queen Syllabub: Otto!
King Otto: Oh, sorry! So, you want to marry my
daughter, do you?
Prince Walter: Perhaps. (sniffles loudly)
Princess Mitzi: Oh, say you do, Walter!
Prince Walter: Yeah, all right.
King Otto: Well, in that case, I must set you a task,
so that you can prove yourself worthy of my daughter's
hand.
Prince Walter: Why?
King Otto: Because she's a fucking princess, that's
why! I'm sorry. Before you can marry my daughter, you
must go to the highest tower...
Queen Syllabub: Otto!
King Otto: Uh, oh, you must, oh...go down to the town
and get me twenty Rothmans.
Prince Walter: What, now?
King Otto: No, tomorrow morning!
Narrator: And so, early next morning, single-handed,
armed only with 40p, Prince Walter set out for the
tobacconist's. Yard after yard he walked. Minute after
minute ticked by. His body breathed in... and breathed
out. Until...
(door bell jingles)
Prince Walter: Twenty Rothmans, please.
Tobacconist: Certainly, sir.
(cash register bell rings)
(crowd cheering)
Narrator: How all the happy residents of Happy Valley
cheered Prince Walter as he walked back up the hill in
triumph. But just as he was approaching the castle, he
was run over by a London bus, which only goes to show.
(sound of brakes screeching, squish, gasp)
Narrator: And the moral of the story is... Smoking can